Modifications Commenced at Rikers (Satire)
Top Secret Memo —For Your Eyes Only
To: The Mayor
From: The Chief of Security at NYC Department of Corrections on Rikers Island
Date: April 12, 2023
In Re: Contingency and Readiness Incarceration Plan for Former President
This memo is to keep you informed as to our plans and progress in the modification of four cells in the west wing of Rikers into two large—16’x20′—jail cells—one for “the VIP prisoner” (designated the hush-money cell) and one for his secret service protective team.
While we await the outcome of the trial, we must anticipate that the jury will convict the former president on some if not all 34 plus felony counts found in the indictment and therefore, his possible incarceration in our Bronx facility.
Because of the prisoner’s age, physical/mental condition and notoriety, he will be placed in “extreme protective custody” with limited contact with other inmates.
Mr. Mayor, as you said, “We must be ready to move quickly, if the judge orders the Department of Corrections to immediately imprison the VIP.
Here are the steps that we have taken in order to comply with such a judge’s ruling:
1. Our engineers have drawn up the blueprints of the modified cells and gotten sign off from all appropriate federal, state and local building officials;
2. Demolition of the four cells should commence within six weeks;
3. Construction should begin on week seven with completion of both cells, hopefully done by the 4th of July;
4. The former president’s cell shall be painted in a dark grey and shall consist of one prison issue bunk bed, one toilet with no attached seat—to avoid potential for self-inflicted injuries, a metal sink, a shower with no curtains and one small desk with a plastic IKEA reading lamp. The desk houses a well-worn copy of the King James Bible with scribbled messages from past celebrities housed at Rikers;
5. We have consulted with former Attorney General, William Barr, who handled the Jeffery Epstein confinement at Rikers for guidance on possible visitors to the former president’s cell;
6. The secret service room will be equivalent to a Motel 6 or an average state university dormitory room with hookups for desktop computers and digital TVs;
7. Based upon our discussions with the former president’s tailor, two proper fitting orange jumpsuits have been placed in a storage locker labeled, “BLOAT”(Biggest loser of all time) with a set of towels and sheets monogrammed with the words: “Guest of Rikers Correctional Complex” and our DOC shield logo;
8. The former president shall not be allowed to post pictures in his cell of porn star Stormy Daniels or Playboy model Karen McDougal or any of the 30 or so women he assaulted;
9. All probing of former Presidents cavities, in search of contraband, shall be videotaped to show that rubber gloves and the sufficient amounts of Vaseline have been administered. No registered Democratic employees of Rikers shall conduct body cavity searches on this VIP felon.
If you have any further questions or suggestions on this matter, please let us know.