I stood in a packed Capitol Building auditorium, as Marjorie Taylor Greene stepped up to the podium and tapped on the microphone.
I observed her attire:
A red, white and blue baseball cap and embroidered with the immortal words of Britney Spears—Oops!…I did it again.
A tight-fitting yellow pleated skirt which accentuated Ms. Greene’s rather large derriere;
Yellow Calvin Klein pumps which also helped accentuate her well-rounded bottom;
A silky armless white blouse which freely exposed a good portion of her silky white bosoms;
On that blouse, a silver safety pin secured a large yellow cloth Star of David;
On that yellow Star of David in a bold, blood-red fraktur appeared the word, “Jude.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, today I asked you here, so I could publically apologize for the insensitive remarks I made comparing being forced to wear a face mask to the Jews being forced to wear Jewish stars in Nazi-occupied countries.
But before I give my full apology, I want to explain my reasons and rationale for that statement:
First of all, to all those nitpickers out there, on the color spectrum—yellow and gold are pretty darn close together;
I should have said, “Yellow Stars of David”—like the one I’m wearing today,—which seems to reference a Beatle’s song. Don’t ask my why.—but I watched a whole bunch of black and white films of the Jews in the camps and those stars appeared to be white and I got confused;
Second of all, what about the fact, that the stars and the masks are both made of whole cloth. None of ya’ll media folks picked up on that point;
Third of all, please allow little-old-me to read my words verbatim;
“Y’all know, we can look back in a time in history where people were told to wear a gold star, and they were definitely treated like second-class citizens — so much so that they were put in trains and taken to gas chambers in Nazi Germany, and this is exactly the type of abuse that Nancy Pelosi is talking about.”
I know how those Jews felt, the ones forced to put on those stars because I am being treated like a second-class citizen in the United States House of Representatives. Nancy Pelosi is my Hitler. She’s abusing me in the same manner that Hitler abused the Jews.
Fourth of all, some of my QAnon supporters advised me that before I made that statement, I must have been struck by a Jewish space laser beam in my noggin;
My doctors have run all the appropriate tests and they can’t find any laser burns.
Fifth of all, I have been advised by my accountants that every time I make some loony anti-Semitic remark that large and small campaign donations come in by the boatload from around the nation and around the world;
I believe this occurence is purely and merely coincidental.
Sixth of all, I have been “koshered” by a bunch of crazy, orthodox, Trump-supporting Jews, who took me on a tour of Brooklyn’s yeshivas, matzah bakeries, a kosher market and a kosher restaurant;
I even broke bread with those Orthos.
I even ate their terrible-tasting kosher foods.
I even didn’t break out laughing when I saw those Yids adorned in their silly costumes—with those funny, fuzzy black hats and their black pajama robes and their curley locks of hair hanging off of their faces—walking down NYC jam- packed streets.
So I ask ya’ll— how can little-old-me be considered an anti-Semite?
Seventh of all, today I’m wearing a Jewish star, in honor of all those Jews who died in the Holocaust and to say I’m sorry.
Okay, I admit it.
Okay, I said some dumbass things.
Okay, I don’t want to wear this stupid baseball cap ever again.
Okay, I made a small mistake by comparing being forced to wear a face mask during a pandemic to the murder of six million Jews.
Okay, I made another small error in judgment when I tweeted: that vaccinated employees get a vaccination logo just like the Nazi’s forced Jewish people to wear a gold star.
Okay, I promise I won’t do it again.
Thanks for hearing me out.
I’m sorry, I won’t be taking any questions today.
I have an important meeting with my accountants to discuss how much money I raised in the last few days.
I stood in total horror and disbelief and watched Marjorie Taylor Greene’s big fat ass exit the room.