Our obsession with symbolism, status, and rituals

We love rituals and ceremonies. It’s just how we’re wired as humans. The Jewish culture, of course, has a rich and long tradition of both. Some rituals and ceremonies are inspiring and uplifting, while others are used to humiliate and terrorize.

We also love hierarchy, status signifiers (elitism, exclusivity, genius, sui generis stuff), sub rosa meetings and secret societies. There’s just something in us that responds to these things, particularly in troubled times such as ours. It’s as if we look for stability in things and behavior that anchor us to a more stable past.

A ceremony often signifies a moment when liminality, the state of in-between-ness, is over. Take the the rite of passage when a boy crosses over into manhood. These rituals are still in place (hazing), as absurd as it seems. They have always been with us, in one form or another.

That’s why medals work so well. When your mind focuses on getting a medal, your motivation rises, because you see a tangible benefit. You imagine yourself with the medal on your chest and with it – prestige and money. It’s an extremely effective tactic. Our mind needs some kind of endgame. Even if that endgame is a piece of gold and all the status boost that comes with it. Something to contextualize and immortalize our achievements.

A corporate chant is a ritual. It’s also a way to spot potential troublemakers. If you don’t chant along with others, if you don’t do it passionately enough, then clearly you don’t believe in the mission your employer wants you to believe in. That makes you suspect. Maybe you should look for a job somewhere else? See? All that from a simple chant.

Then, there are those who don’t really have their own identity and just associate their identity with whatever enviornment they are in. Not all people have a stable, fixed, identity. Such people are perfect for a group identity because they can’t come up with their own sense of their place in the world.

That’s why all this authenticity talk is naive, at best. You can’t be authentic all the time at work, unless you’re such a VIP employee that you can’t be touched. Or you happen to be the founder of the company. But, even then, saying whatever is on your mind in front of your employees can end in a disaster.

Chants have a long tradition in Asian cultures. It’s paradoxical to me. Asian cultures are know for stressing harmony and face, yet – at the same time – tend to be militaristic and highly competitive. There’s a reason why Korea is the ”suicide capital” of the world.

When I worked in China, I saw restaurant employees chanting together as if they were going off to battle. It was a morale boost. And it worked. I could tell they were really enjoying this and not just for show. They had a mission. A responsibility. Their restaurant.

There are ways to signal our contempt for someone, that their status is so low in our eyes, we don’t even acknowledge their presence. The opposite of chanting. Namely – the silent treatment. An insidious weapon and a status destroyer. Yeah, mean girl stuff, but, sadly, really effective if you don’t know these manipulation tactics and a lot of people have no clue.

What is silent treatment, if not the ultimate expression of contempt? Social media lets all sorts of gaslighters use this technique with impunity. When you’re in the same physical space with someone, you can confront them, even if they refuse to acknowledge your presence, they hear your voice, no matter how hard they work on ignoring you. It gets way worse online. You send a message, an invitation to join your network, professional or private, but there’s no response. It’s like your hand is just hanging there. ”Pending” for days, even weeks and months. Yet, you see that person’s active online.

What’s the message the other person is sending if they don’t get hundreds of invites every day and just don’t have the time to add you to their network? ”You’re not important to me in any way, you’re not even a speck of dust, you’re nothing to me, I won’t even bother to reject your invitation, let alone block you, because you’re not even worth it.” That’s the message. Even when you block someone, it requires extra effort. You focus on them for several seconds.

But ignoring someone signals complete contempt. It’s the favorite tactic of gaslighters – you begging for their attention like a lapdog. Threatening them, especially in writing, so they can use it against at any point. They get off on it. They might read your message just to leave the ”message read” sign but don’t expect a reply. These people won’t reply because they see themselves as so superior, so high-and-mighty on their high horse, that you’re nothing to them. Like a pawn to use and abuse.

If you can, just ignore them and move on. Their tactics are so pathetic when you know what their tricks are. They are making a statement about themselves and not about you. If it’s your employer, find a way to interact with them directly and pretend like you have no idea they are trying to gaslight you. ”Oh, I’ve sent you a message, not sure if you’ve received it, so I’m just calling to make sure.” No reference to their behavior. You confronting them. That’s what they are counting on. Don’t lose your cool. Smile, be nice to them, and laugh as they try more tricks. Pretend like you have no idea that you know exactly what they are doing and enjoy their clown show.

What’s the aim of gaslighting and all these self-esteem-destroying rituals? It’s to rewrite the victim’s identity in line with what the perpetrator wants. It’s extremely hard to prove and can be done in a room full of people, creating a sense in the victim there’s nowhere to hide. Say you know someone is triggered by certain words, phrases and even gestures. A gaslighter, or just a bully, is going to use these words and gestures to provoke you and derail your thinking, to make you appear crazy in front of a group if you tell them what, say, your employer is doing. But it can be anyone. Can be a fellow employee, of course. Why? Maybe he or she wants your job. Even a family member. Why? Maybe it’s about the inheritance, to paint you as mentally unstable. Who knows. There are as many reasons as there are deranged sadists.

Some honors and privileges are taken away if your status gets lowered and you’re excluded from a privileged group. I played Baldur’s Gate years ago and it had a funny story of how hubris eventually leads to humiliation: an arrogant and powerful wizard kept taunting a much more powerful wizard. The master had enough of being challenged, again and again, by the arrogant wizard. He defeated the cocky wizard and turned him into a woman. The cursed wizard was thrown out of a secret society he had been a member of for years because he was no longer a man. Talk about a fall from grace. Needless to say, the arrogant wizard no longer had the capacity to get back at the master wizard. The arrogant wizard became a bitter barmaid.

Apparently, during the Middle Ages, special coats of arms (including on their shields) were forced upon traitors and cowards. And so on, and so forth. Wherever you look, there are symbols, rituals and ceremonies, for good and for ill. They truly rule the world.

Have a good Halloween – hopefully, you haven’t made any powerful psychics, wizards, warlocks and so on, mad.