Who is loved? One who loves others

The fundamental principle of the Torah, according to Rabbi Akiva (Sifra Kedoshim 2), is love of the other: “Love thy neighbor as thyself” (Lev. 19:18). Yet it seems that most of us have the inverse wish: for the other to love us. The path laid down by Rabbi Akiva, as this short story by Hermann Hesse will show, is the way to happiness:

There was once an expectant woman who sought out a pious man to bless the fetus in her womb. The pious man promised the woman to bless her with the blessing of her choice, and she asked that all of the child’s acquaintances love it. The pious man hesitated, and asked her if she was certain about her choice of blessing. But when she insisted, he blessed the fetus as she requested. The woman gave birth to a boy, and the blessing was fulfilled: everyone loved the child. Yet, that love made them pardon his bad behavior, and he grew up to become corrupt. One day, he discovered the source of his misery and went to the pious man to reverse the blessing: rather than be loved by all, he asked to love all. Thus he became a happy man.

A similar point is made by Orson Welles in his seminal film Citizen Kane, whose titular character grows up parentless and becomes immensely wealthy. Throughout his adult life, he uses his money to gain popularity, but ultimately dies alone in his colossal mansion, a single last word on his lips: “Rosebud.” The film follows the doomed efforts of a journalist to find out who or what is “rosebud.” In the end, we learn that “rosebud” is a small object from Kane’s childhood, the sole thing to which he was truly connected.

It is a secret known to every parent: generally speaking, parents express love for their children far more than the other way around. Usually it is the parent who is the lover and the children who are loved, yet the exquisite pleasure of this love is experienced by the parent.

True love has value in itself, and when it is not authentic it is worthless. This is an insight that informs our behavior in many ways. Often, people will act or refrain from action, consciously or not, out of concern for their popularity. But when we are guided by commitment to loving rather than being loved, we are free to do the right thing, even if it is unpopular.

Who Is Loved? One Who Loves Others

The truth is that in order to be loved one must love. As the story goes, Rabbi Hayim of Volozhin and his students once had to traverse a dangerous forest. At one point they were accosted and surrounded by brigands who informed them that they were going to steal their money and then murder them. Rabbi Hayim asked the robbers to give him and his students a few minutes to prepare for death, during which he stared into the face of the band’s leader. Soon, the leader yelled, “Run!” and Rabbi Hayim and his students escaped. When his students asked him how he had effected such a miracle, he replied, “When the brigands told us they would murder us, I was filled with anger and hate. But I did not want to leave this world feeling anger and hate, so, in order to overcome those emotions, I forced myself to empathize with the brigands. It appears that no one had ever looked at their leader with such an emotion, for he was unable to harm us.”

This insight also appears in Proverbs: “As in water face answereth to face, so the heart of man to man” (27:19). Rashi explains in his commentary on the Talmud (Yevamot 117a): “As with the water that one observes and sees in it a face that is like one’s own – when one smiles it smiles and when he frowns it frowns – so, too, the heart of one human to another human; if one loves the other, the other loves one back.”

Love for Near and Far

Christianity took Judaism to task over the verse “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” claiming that it limited the recipients of love to one’s neighbors while, clearly, such love should be extended to all of humanity. That claim is refuted in the same chapter, when the Torah explicitly writes, “And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land…thou shalt love him as thyself” (Lev. 19:33–34). The stranger and the neighbor are mentioned in separate verses in order to give voice to the understanding that love begins from the natural, closer sphere and extends outward from there – from the near to the far.[1]

Indeed, some people get stuck in the first stage, their love doomed to remain confined within their immediate circle, but it seems that trying to bypass that stage only exacerbates the problem. Absent love for those who are close to us, “love for all” can become an empty, sanctimonious slogan rather than an expression of authentic emotion. The fully egalitarian approach is often permeated with alienation. As the journalist Yair Sheleg once asked: how is it that the more a society talks about humanism, the more its members are alienated from one another?

The truth is, the verse teaches us that love must begin even closer to home. The Torah tells us to love the other like “ourselves,” meaning that self-love comes first. People who are not at peace with themselves, who hate and do not accept themselves, will ultimately treat the other in the same vein.

I Am the Lord

The verse that enjoins to “love thy neighbor as thyself” ends with the phrase “I am the Lord.” What is the connection between loving the other and God? According to the Zohar, God is present whenever there is love among friends:

Those companions, when they sit as one, not separating from each other…. What does the Holy One say? “Look, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell gam yaĥad,” “also together!” – gam, also, including Shekhina with them. Furthermore, the blessed Holy One listens to their utterances and is pleased and delights with them…and for your sake, peace will prevail in the world, as it is written, “For my brethren and companions’ sakes, I will now say, ‘Peace be within thee’ (Ps. 122:8).” (Zohar, Aĥarei Mot 59b)

In Mishna Avot (3:24), Rabbi Akiva – he who enshrined “love thy neighbor” as the quintessential Torah precept – teaches that “beloved is man, since he is created in the image [of God]. A deeper love – it is revealed to him that he is created in the image, as it says (Gen. 9:6): ‘For in the image of God made He man.’” God’s special affection for humanity is due to its divine dimension, having been created in His image. God dwells within every human being.