Please Be Advised

For your safety, synagogue services for this Shabbat have been canceled. As you may know, your congregation has been targeted because it recites Zionist prayers for the welfare of Israel and the success of its army. Since we are not prepared to stand up to the pro-terrorist thugs who have announced their intention to demonstrate outside, we have determined that the safest course is to tell you to pray at home. Should you decide to gather in each other’s homes to pray in a group as is customary, please know that you do so at your own risk.  Thank you for your understanding.

* * *

In the interest of your (and our) protection, this supermarket will be closed until further notice. Due to the store’s sale of Israeli products, including produce grown on land “between the river and the sea,” protestors with antisemitic posters have been regularly gathering outside and recently have become more menacing. In keeping with the by now well-established policy of refraining from actual law enforcement when it comes to the Free Palestine movement, we cannot in good conscience allow Jewish shoppers to be put at risk by buying groceries in this location. For the time being, deliveries are still available, as the demonstrators don’t yet know about the secret alley exit.

* * *

Please be informed that beginning today, your child’s school, along with all local Jewish day schools and yeshivas,* will be switching to an online-only format.  This is to ensure the safety of all the Jewish students, teachers, and staff from the threatening gangs who have been congregating outside, sometimes encroaching on private school property, to protest an educational curriculum which justifies Jews existing in Palestine and elsewhere.  While experience during the COVID school closures showed that online learning is a poor and potentially damaging substitute for in-person education, we believe it is preferable to your child being heckled and possibly assaulted by free-wheeling antisemites. *Note that schools belonging to that Jewish sect which waves the Palestinian flag will remain open as usual.

* * *

Due to escalating threats against medical staff and patients, regrettably this ob-gyn practice will no longer be operating from this location.  We take this measure in order to prevent harm to the women and child-bearers of all genders as well as doctors and clinic staff who have been identified by the jihadi mob as furthering the procreation of Jewish children who may or may not be raised to harbor affinity for Israel.  Since these objectors cannot be stopped without our taking extreme measures such as arresting them, it seems prudent to instead shutter the clinic. Prenatal appointments may continue via Zoom or though home visits, provided the medical provider is well-disguised and/or accompanied by private security at their own expense.

* * *

The safety of all motorists on local streets and highways is our highest priority.  Accordingly, in light of the angry and sometimes violent protests by pro-Hamas activists on this main traffic artery, openly Jewish drivers and passengers are hereby advised against driving on this road in either direction.  Jews who are able to successfully hide any and all signs of their Jewish identity may use the roadway, but all due caution is urged.  We appreciate your cooperation.

* * *

To all passengers traveling on El-Al: Airport security is a complex and multi-layer enterprise requiring a heavy investment of human and financial resources.  With the increasing volatility of anti-Israel networks who associate all Jews with Zionism and Zionism with genocide, we have determined that keeping passengers traveling to Israel safe is simply too much trouble.  Therefore, all Israel-bound and returning flights will no longer be using the regular airport terminals but will be relocated to an underground bunker whose location will be sent by secure message to authorized passengers several hours before their flight. This location shall be deemed outside the zone of local jurisdiction even though it will in fact be located in our city, and security will be solely the responsibility of El-Al (and, if necessary, the IDF).  We wish you safe travels, and remind you that one-way tickets can be surprisingly affordable.