Poll for Republicans Only – Democrats Need Not Respond (Humor)

I recently received an email from the Quinnipiac Polling Company.

Here’s how it read:

Hi Mort, it’s Jack from Quinnipiac.

We’re conducting a survey of loyal Republican voters and true followers of the Christian faith.  We need your help. We’re trying to determine the reasons you and others like you support Donald J. Trump for the presidency.

We have been hired by the Republican party to do this survey for the purpose of swaying independent voters toward Donald Trump.

Your responses shall help President Trump win the 2024 election. This survey should not take more than a few minutes of your time. All questions are simple enough for Republicans to understand. If you have no opinion or do not understand the statement just leave the question blank. All of your answers shall be kept strictly confidential.

Thanks for your time and your valued opinions.

Signed: Jack and The Good Folks at Quinnipiac

The Reasons I Support Donald J. Trump

Please circle “Y” for Yes or “N” for no:

  1. As a stable genius, President Trump has learned how to properly launder hush money to pay off porn stars—Y—–N
  2. The only time Donald Trump ever touched a Gideon Bible was when he used it to spank motel whores on their bare bottoms—Y–N
  3. Trump is so old that he thinks Taylor Swift is one of his wives—Y—N
  4. Trump is so old he thinks the Gaza Strip is the name of one of his favorite strippers——-Y—N
  5. Trump is so old that he thinks Jim Crow is a whiskey—Y—N
  6. Trump is so old he thinks he invented the moral compass—Y—N
  7. Donald Trump was born without a conscience, a moral compass and even one compassionate bone in his body. A fact he demonstrated when he ordered the separation of babies from their mothers and put the babies in cages.—Y—N
  8. As a stable businessman, President Trump only hires and secures the services of  professional fixers, hookers and porn stars—Y—–N
  9. Donald managed to Make America Great Again during the COVID crisis by peddling fake cures that killed people—Y—N
  10. Which word best describes Donald J. Trump: TRAITOR, INSURRECTIONIST or SCUMBAG
  11. As he promised, Donald Trump got Mexico to pay for our border wall, secured it and completed the project in his four years in office—Y—N
  12. Cancer patients love Trump because he stole money from a cancer charity to use for his own benefit and a consequence of his horrid behavior he’s now forbidden from running a charity in New York State—Y—N
  13. Trump’s a political genius for admitting that he wants to be dictator-for-a-day; that he is going to abolish the IRS, the FBI, the Justice Department and the CIA—Y—N
  14. I want my children to emulate Trump’s extraordinary sexual, moral and ethical behavior—Y–N
  15.  As a family man, Trump holds an expertise on marrying and divorcing women and having children with each of them—Y—N
  16. Trump holds the trifecta of cheating on his wives, making love to porn stars and watching hookers pee on  Russian beds—Y—N
  17. Trump would follow the Gospel if he knew what it was—Y—N
  18. Trump understands that women want their reproductive rights taken away from them by old white males—Y—N
  19. Historians have determined that Donald J. Trump was the worst president in US history——-Y—N
  20. Trump excels in barging into dressing rooms in a major department store, raping a young woman and then denying that it ever happened and claiming he never met her—Y—N
  21. The Donald is qualified to manipulate that murderer and Russian dictator Vladimir Putin by giving him Ukraine, destroying NATO and selling him top-secret documents—Y—N
  22. Trump excels in stealing, storing, hiding and selling classified documents—Y—N
  23. Trump has set a new standard in hiring competent, trustworthy, non-corrupt cabinet members—Y—N
  24. The Donald knows that he’s smarter than all U.S. generals put together because he watched Platoon twice—Y—N
  25. Trump thinks before he speaks and he knows to wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom—Y—N
  26. Donald knows how to pick sexy women for his wives and how to sneak them into the country—Y—N
  27. Donald grabs women by their p**** and then loves bragging about it—Y—N
  28. Donald is young, never lies and never forgets anything which includes how to put on his diapers—Y—N
  29. Donald gave a trillion dollar tax break to the wealthy and thought it didn’t affect inflation—Y—N
  30. Donald knows how to avoid paying his taxes so all of us have to pay his share—Y—N
  31. Donald is a great businessman, with a vast knowledge of the bankruptcy code and how to perform valuations on real estate—Y—N
  32. Donald loves naming things after himself and sticking his name on all sorts of crap. He’s like a dog using urine to mark its territory—Y—N
  33. Donald Trump balanced the U.S. budget and he will do it again—Y—N
  34. Donald’s not a liar, nor a bullshitter, nor a perjurer, nor a conman, nor a traitor, nor an insurrectionist. Just ask him—Y—N
  35. Trump hung out and partied with America’s most notorious child molesters (Jeffery Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell) and bragged to the world, “Jeffrey is attracted to very young girls.” —Y—N
  36. According his medical doctors, Donald’s only physical defects are his lack of cognitive skills, lack of guts and possessing too many bone spurs—Y—N
  37. For some unknown reason, all Klan members and all Neo-Nazis love Donald Trump  —-Y—N
  38. Donald will consider protecting NATO, Ukraine and Israel if he is paid the proper amount of compensation—Y—N
  39. Donald Trump promises to consider not taking away a women’s or a Black’s right to vote without asking White southerners for their approval—Y—-N
  40. Donald knows how to kill democracies and his past performance should not be held against him—Y—N
  41. Donald seems to know that there is a document called the Bill of Right—Y—N
  42. Donald Trump believes in freedom of religion as long as that religion is Christianity——Y—N
  43. Donald Trump may have read Genesis; he may have written Mein Kampf ––Y—N
  44. Donald Trump has never, knowingly, committed a sin nor sprayed the bathroom after producing his best work—Y—N
  45. Donald Trump may have read the preamble to the Constitution—Y—N
  46. Donald Trump knows how to select the absolute best, most expensive lawyers in America and have the Republican party pay their fees—Y—N
  47. Donald Trump claims he knows how to tell when an election has been rigged and stolen—Y—N
  48. Trump knows how to  hold up military aid to Ukraine and Israel in their time of need—–Y—N
  49. Trump is a mug shot expert —Y—N
  50. Trump, like all Mafia bosses, knows how to stiff employees and his lawyers—Y—N
  51. The Donald thinks he’s smarter than the sheep that voted for him—Y—N
  52. Trump goal in life is to violate all Ten Commandments and then brag about doing it——-Y—N
  53. Donald is a flaming narcissist and a burnt out old man—-Y—N
  54. Donald has a long history of committing frauds on numerous banks—Y—N
  55. Donald knows how to break bread with neo-Nazis (Nick Feuntes), white supremacists and anti-Semites (Kanye West) that he invited into his home at Mar-a-Lago—Y—N
  56. Donald loves ridiculing and mimicking the disabled—Y—N
  57. Donald has figured out how to tell the difference between good and bad racists—Y—N
  58. Donald doesn’t respect American prisoners of war (John McCain) nor the service men and women in the US Army, Navy, Air Force, Space Force, Coast Guard. He thinks they’re all a bunch of suckers—Y—N
  59. Donald promises everything, delivers nothing and blames someone else—Y—N
  60. Donald believes he’s securing the Black vote by selling them $400 gold sneakers with his initials on them—Y—N
  61.  Donald Trump knows how to read and analyze what he has read—Y—N
  62. Hispanics love Donald because he knows how to throw rolls of paper towels to them after a hurricane destroys their island
  63. Blacks and Hispanics from El Salvador, Haiti and other African countries love it when Trump calls their countries “Shithole nations“—Y—N
  64. Without even breaking a sweat, the Donald has the ability to destroy America,  make it a third-rate banana republic and make himself the richest man in the world—Y—N
  65. Donald Trump has figured out on his own that if he threatens Americans with a civil war, they’ll vote for him—Y—N
  66. Donald managed to Make America Great Again during the COVID crisis by peddling fake medical cures that killed people—Y—N
  67. When it comes to pardoning criminals, Trump clearly understands how important pardons are——-Y—N
  68. Donald Trump is a time-management expert. He can be embroiled in four criminal trials, three civil trials and still run for president all while playing 18 holes of golf ——Y—N
  69. During the COVID crisis, Donald managed to kill more Americans than all the US soldiers who have died fighting for this great country—Y—N

Thanks for completing this survey.

Signed: Jack and The Good Folks at Quinnipiac

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About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience.
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