Rent a Virtue: Jewish Edition

You will want to share this keepsake item with your friends.

I don’t know about you, but I’m fed up with virtue signalers. And the worst kind of virtue signaler, in my book, is the one who claims, “My best friends are Jews.”

“Well then,” I think to myself, “why don’t you just be my friend instead of talking about it?” But talking about it is the whole point.

Virtue signalers puff themselves up in the expectation that everyone will think they are compassionate. But, as commentator Melanie Phillips has noted, virtue signalers are not compassionate. They are narcissists. They have big, fat egos. That is why I want to make fun of them. This post is dedicated to that.

Imagine for a moment if virtue signalers could turn to a commercial service to help them achieve their goal of looking and feeling compassionate. What would an advertisement for that service look like? How about the following?

A Word from Our Sponsor

Do you want to show your friends what a good person you are? Maybe you’ve tried before and failed.

You know that Jews are not popular. But how can you show that you are so good that you don’t mind Jews? As a gentile, how can you establish your “Jewish creds”?

Are you afraid you’ll say the wrong thing? That you’ll come off as phony? That you’ll mispronounce words like “oy vey” and “latke”?

Maybe it’s time to call in the experts.

Introducing a new service: Rent a Virtue: Jewish Edition

We offer a full menu of in-person and digital services.

A Memory Book of Photos to Cherish

You will want to share this keepsake item with your friends. The book is a perennial resource for establishing your “pro-Yid” credentials.

The Book includes but is not limited to:

• Heart-warming photos of you shaking hands with people dressed in traditional Jewish garb (also available on CD-ROM);
• Photo of you handing out Chanukah gelt to hungry-looking Jewish children;
• A photo-collage of your donations to Jewish groups:
  • “Look! I got this certificate for planting trees in Israel. I was only 12 years old. Can you believe that?”
  • “When I visited Israel I went to the Hadassah hospital for a delicate surgery on my ingrown toenail. They have world-class toenail specialists—-most people don’t know that. But I do!”

Random Virtue Phone App (available on Apple and Android platforms)

This essential app sports a variety of features:

Video clips showing how good you are to Jews                 

• “Here I am dancing the hora at my Jewish friend’s wedding.”
• “Here I am on my hands and knees cleaning up the broken glass from my Jewish friend’s wedding. I collected all the pieces and made them into a Jewish star for the happy couple!”
• “Here I am helping my Jewish neighbor install a giant menorah on his front lawn. Here I am organizing a team of neighbors for the menorah-raising.” (I bought the ropes and pulleys with my own money!)
• “Here I am pretending I’ve never seen a bagel before. Watch me try to slather cream cheese on the outside of a bagel as my Jewish friend looks on in horror.”
• “Here I am donating a bag of cement to the synagogue’s Building Fund.”
• “Here I am at a bris handing a box of Band-Aids to the mohel.”
• “Here I am on Rosh Hashana at Tashlikh, throwing a penny into the pond and another one at the rabbi.”

 Audio clips with phrases suitable for many occasions

• “My friend Morty is Jewish and I just love him. Last week I went to his son’s Bar Mitzvah and I cried my eyes out when he read his Torah portion!”
• “If my daughter told me she wanted to be Jewish, I wouldn’t mind one bit!”
• “When Israel kills Palestinian children, I don’t blame my Jewish friends….as long as they condemn Israel!”
• “Jews are great businesspeople. That is why they are so successful.”
• “When Bernie Madoff made off with the money, I told all my friends, ‘This has nothing to do with Jews.’”
• “Jews are so good at organizing things!”
• “Yes, I know what the Joint is. I gave them a generous donation last year!”
• “You Jews are so good at saving money. I wish my son was like that.”

 Audio Clips with Pro-Jew Political Phrases

• “When my friend asked me to sign a petition condemning Israeli apartheid, of course I had to sign, but I did use a pseudonym!”
• “Of course Israel has the right to defend itself as long as they don’t cause casualties to the people trying to kill them.”
• “I don’t blame Israel for starting wars when they retaliate.”
• “I am just as sympathetic to Israel as I am to Arab terrorists. I respect everyone!”
• “All I want is peace for both sides—Jews and Arabs. It’s just that I don’t want to criticize Arab customs like using children as human shields. That is because I care about everybody!”

Don’t wait. Sign up Today!

For a complete list of our virtue signaling services, check out our websites:

rent_a_virtue.com/Jew

rent_a_virtue.com/Black

rent_a_virtue.com/Latino

rent_a_virtue.com/Moslem/Extremist

rent_a_virtue.com/incarcerated

Coming soon:

rent_a_virtue.com/homeless

rent_a_virtue.com/illegalalien

rent_a_virtue.com/carjacker

rent_a_virtue.com/Zuckerberg