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Shira Tamir
Random observations on the fascinating world of Israeli government & politics

The Hamas Hostage Release Extravaganza (Now with Goodie Bags!)

Forget the Oscars or the Met Gala; this is the real red carpet event.
Forget the Oscars or the Met Gala; this is the real red carpet event.

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up for the most exclusive event of the season! After nearly 16 months in captivity (but who’s counting?), Hamas has finally decided to let a few hostages go—you know, out of the goodness of their hearts—and what a show they’ve put on! Forget the Oscars or the Met Gala; this is the real red carpet event.

In the ever-competitive world of global terrorism, Hamas has truly outdone itself. You might think kidnapping civilians, holding them hostage for over a year in underground tunnels, and using them as bargaining chips would be bad enough, but why stop there when you can add a full-blown media circus to the mix? Because when Hamas does mass murder, hostage captivity, and releases, it does them with flair.

But the real spectacle came in the form of the forced pageantry—a propaganda masterpiece that would make even North Korean state TV take notes.

First: the certificates. Yes, Hamas has been handing out literal diplomas to hostages, because nothing screams “we totally didn’t kidnap these people against their will and murder their friends and loved ones” like forcing them to pose with a certificate of completion. What exactly are they graduating from? Intro to Surviving a Terrorist Kidnapping? Advanced Stockholm Syndrome?

“Congratulations! You have successfully endured trauma, isolation, and terror. Please accept this printed piece of paper in recognition of your resilience!” One can only imagine the Hamas HR department working overtime to format those certificates in Microsoft Word, selecting the perfect clip art to add a touch of professionalism.

But wait—there’s more! Because what’s a hostage release without parting gifts? In what can only be described as the most deranged party favor tradition ever, Hamas has been handing out goodie bags. That’s right—hostages are leaving with trinkets and souvenirs, as if they just sat through a mandatory corporate retreat, not 16 months of captivity. 

What’s inside, you ask? Rumor has it it included photos and a keychain with a Palestinian flag that says, “I survived nearly 16 months in Hamas captivity and all I got was this lousy keychain.” We can only hope they at least threw in a stress ball. You know, for the trauma.

To add an extra sprinkle of Orwellian absurdity, Hamas’ cameramen have been caught on video directing the hostages—literally coaching them to smile and wave to the crowd. After all, nothing soothes global audiences like a reluctant, terrified hostage being ordered to smile as if they are a contestant in the world’s worst beauty pageant. You can practically hear the cameraman yelling, “Okay, Agam, sweetheart, give us a little wave, let’s see some teeth—no, not like you’re being forced at gunpoint! More joy! Less PTSD!”

And that’s how each production ends: “Here’s your certificate, here’s your goodie bag, we had a great time torturing you—don’t be a stranger!” Like these people are going to write thank-you notes: “Dear Hamas, thanks for the extended, involuntary stay. The accommodations were a bit cramped, and the food was lacking, but the experience was unforgettable—literally. I’ll be talking about it with my therapist for decades…”

What’s truly astonishing is the audacity. Hamas isn’t just content with committing acts of terror—they want credit for it. They want applause for “releasing” civilians they had no right to abduct in the first place. And the fact that they orchestrated the entire spectacle with the precision of a reality TV producer only highlights their utter detachment from any semblance of humanity.

The real tragedy? There are people actually falling for it. I mean, there are people out there literally trying to excuse this absurdity by saying the hostages were “treated well” and “look happy.” You know who you are, and you should be ashamed.

About the Author
Shira Tamir is an Israeli-American 'returning resident' with a growing passion for politics, media, and diplomacy. She is currently pursuing her undergraduate degree in Communication and Political Science at Bar-Ilan University. When she's not caught up in her studies, she enjoys traveling, photography, nature, coffee, being in the moment, and playing the drums. Shira is fluent in English, Hebrew, body language, sarcasm, and memes.
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