After winning the next elections, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu will:
- Appoint, in an attempt to show everyone who’s boss, former US President Donald Trump as Israel’s ambassador to China
- Start to slowly deliver on his promises to the Arab sector. Very slowly
- Wait a month to call US President Joe Biden
- Hire former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani to defend him at his never-ending corruption trial. Bibi reportedly has only a couple (while most people have hundreds) of reservations about Trump’s personal attorney: “To many Americans, Rudy may have seemed too rude, but by our standards, he’s almost too polite”
Why did Kim Kardashian West and Kayne West break up?
- Their relationship went south
- Kim found out Kayne lied to her about winning the presidential elections
- Kim picked up the other line while Kanye was chatting with Trump
- Kanye learned that Kim has been talking about him behind his back on TV
Who will win the 2024 US presidential elections?
- Bibi. He knows how to unify people. Against him, but still
- Ted Cruz, on the promise to annex Cancun so all Americans, Texans included, can go there whenever they want and stay as long as they like
- Kamala Harris, on the promise to fix the problems caused by the Biden administration
- Donald Trump. This time, he’ll be the one stealing the ballots. No one will see it coming
- Kayne West. It’s his lone chance to win back Kim
When will the COVID crisis end?
- When people stop wearing masks, distancing socially, and acting all strange and stuff
- As if it ever really started. C’mon. Don’t believe everything you read in the newspapers
- On a spring, summer, fall, or winter day in the 21st or 22nd centuries
- None of the above
- All of the above
- Neither of the above two answers and possibly one of the first three multiple choice answers
Is Climate Change just a fad or is it here to stay?
- Just a fad: Soon this crazy winter will end and with it, all talk about climate change (at least until the scorching summer that awaits us)
- Both: It’s obviously trendy but, because it involves catastrophic, lethal weather, it just might stay on people’s minds longer than most fads
- Neither: It’s a figment of our imagination, which in itself is manifested from the computer simulation that is our “reality”
- Nothing is real, therefore everything is real and climate change is no different
- All or none or some of the above
I bought GameStop at $500 a share. It’s now below $50 a share. What should I do?
- You must sell low because you clearly bought when you were high
- Wait till it gets back to $500 a share, then buy more
- It doesn’t matter who or why. Just sue
- Go to GameStop and stand in a long line to buy “Werewolf: The Apocalypse—Earth-blood.” Oh, you went and there was no line? Maybe you should’ve visited this store before playing the Wall Street Roulette
If you’re an American and you’ve never received a stimulus check, you should?
- Vote Republican. It’s the Democrats’ fault
- Vote Democrat. It’s the Republicans’ fault
- Ask your boss for a salary decrease so you can qualify. It may ultimately leave less money in your pocket but it will alleviate your FOMO
- Realize this shows the resiliency of America’s Checks and Your Bank Account Balance(s) system
- Protest peacefully in front of your area IRS office. Since the media cover unusual occurrences, you just might make the nightly news, cause an uproar, and receive more in donations from social media suckers than you’d ever get from the government
I own no bitcoin. What should I do?
- Buy another cryptocurrency that hasn’t run up yet. We recommend pennyonthedollarcoin and forsuckersonlycoin
- Join a FOMO support group, if it’s not too late
- Sell your GameStop stocks, buy bitcoin, and spend it all at the Telsa dealership in Petach Tikvah on a fraction of a Model 3. You’ll never be able to drive it but you’ll help Elon Mask stay competitive with Jeff Bezos for the World’s Richest Man title
- Tell people you bought bitcoin for $1 a token and sold it for $58,000, but only to people you trust not to report you to the tax authority