The Trump International Court of Awesomeness and Unquestionable Greatness (satire)

Why reform an institution when you can just make your own? Enter the Trump International Court of Awesomeness, the latest addition to the Trump Legal Industrial Complex.

“The Trump International Court of Awesomeness will be so much better than the International Criminal Court,” Trump assured reporters. “We’ll have only the best judges—very fair, very good-looking people, like Rudy Giuliani, Judge Jeanine Pirro, Judge Judy and my son Donald Trump Junior. Very legal, very talented. Probably the most talented son, but we don’t play favorites.”

The first cases on the docket include investigating why Trump’s hands always look small in photos, determining whether it is legal to make Mount Rushmore bigger just for him, reviewing evidence that the 2020 United States presidential election was stolen, and launching a formal probe into why the Cable News Network is so mean to him.

The Trump International Court of Awesomeness will not only be the biggest, most luxurious, most tremendous court, but it will also have a live audience who decides cases via applause—just like a reality show.

“We love ratings, don’t we, folks?” Trump beamed. “Justice should be a prime-time event!”

Benjamin Netanyahu’s Reaction: “Best Court Ever”

Meanwhile, Benjamin Netanyahu, ecstatic about Trump’s unwavering support, released a statement (satire!):

“With Donald Trump on my side, I don’t even need lawyers anymore! In fact, why have trials at all? Just ask Donald—he gets it!”

Rumors are also swirling that Trump has asked Netanyahu to endorse a “Make America Great Again Peace Plan”—a new diplomatic initiative where all international disputes are solved via golf tournaments at Trump-owned courses.

“We’ll get everyone in a room—Benjamin Netanyahu, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, very tough guys, very strong—and we’ll play eighteen holes. Winner gets full control of the International Criminal Court. Fair deal, right?”

The Trump International Criminal Court NFT Collection

Of course, no Donald Trump tantrum is complete without a grift. To fund his ongoing legal battles against “very unfair witch hunts,” Trump has unveiled a brand-new non-fungible token NFT collection

Trump versus The International Criminal Court: The Indictment Series.

Collectors can now purchase limited-edition digital trading cards, including:

• Wartime Trump – Trump, photoshopped onto General George S. Patton’s body, bravely leading a charge against International Criminal Court judges armed with subpoenas.
• The Hague Hoax – Depicts Trump standing on a tank, firing legal motions at globalist enemies. Comes with a special animation of Trump shouting “YOU’RE FIRED!” at the International Criminal Court.
• The Pardon Pass – A golden non-fungible token that guarantees the buyer a Donald Trump pardon for any crime (small print: only redeemable if he wins the next United States presidential election).
• Make America Great Again Justice League – A team-up card featuring Donald Trump, Benjamin Netanyahu, Vladimir Putin, and Kim Jong-un as the Real Defenders of Freedom.
• Executive Order 1776 – Trump unilaterally declaring The Hague illegal while posing with a thumbs-up.
• Golf Cart Tribunal – Trump personally judging International Criminal Court cases from his Mar-a-Lago golf cart. Special bonus: Comes with an audio clip of him saying, “You know, folks, I’ve done more for international law than anyone, maybe ever.”

Exclusive Perks for Non-Fungible Token Holders

• Mar-a-Lago VIP Courtroom Experience – Non-fungible token holders will be invited to witness Trump’s personal rulings at the Trump International Court of Awesomeness. Verdicts pre-determined based on loyalty levels.
• International Criminal Court Golf Tournament Entry – Winners receive a presidential pardon, losers will be sanctioned.
• “Pay-for-Pardon” Feature – Buy five non-fungible tokens, and Trump will publicly suggest maybe pardoning you if he wins.
• “Truth Social Fast Pass” – Get priority access to post on Trump’s platform before he rage-deletes it.
• “Cancel The Hague” Action Plan – Holders of ten or more non-fungible tokens will get access to an exclusive strategy document on how to make international law go away by tweeting at it.

The Global Reaction

As the world reacts in stunned disbelief, satire writers everywhere have thrown in the towel.

“I can’t do this anymore,” sighed one exhausted journalist. “I spend hours crafting satire, and then Donald Trump just does the thing in real life.”

The editorial board of The Onion has reportedly entered crisis talks, while Saturday Night Live has announced that instead of writing sketches, they will now just broadcast Trump’s speeches unedited.

As for the International Criminal Court? They have responded with a simple, one-line statement:

“We regret to inform you that international law is now officially a meme.”