I am almost, pretty much, sophisticated, savvy, and careful (or hereafter, SS and C, just between us, or JBU, as real oxymoronic Facebook friends say) when it comes to Nigerian email scams.
But I know a good deal when I see one and it came yesterday in a letter from someone who works at the Atlanta airport in security.
And, it must be legitimate because Atlanta is practically in my backyard. Plus the guy gave his name and he hardly had any spelling or grammatical errors in the email, so he must’ve gone to school in the United States. Then again, going to school in the United States doesn’t necessarily mean that he can read and write, but he said that he’s at such a high level in his job he may have a secretary that reads and writes for him.
Also, this guy must be on the up and up (possibly on something high to put him there) because he sent his “IMPORTANT NOTICE” on email letterhead from the busiest, biggest, airport in the South East!!
So, who am I to doubt?
Plus, he’s giving me such a great percentage split..I know, I know, it’s disappointing for you because the deal is only for me right now…..I’m so sorry, that it has to be that way, but if this works out, don’t you worry….I’ll give him your name and email address, so that you can be in on the next big unclaimed package deal with your name on it.
Well, to be perfectly honest (that’s TBPH), I haven’t taken the deal yet because I’m trying to negotiate better terms; but it sounds like (if this were charades, I’d be holding my hand up to my ear at this point) anyway, it sounds like, such a good deal….or it seemed to be…..and then I began to think.
This security source (he had to give me an alias, so that no one will catch onto the great offer he’s letting me in on) wants to give me a 70% 30% split and all I have to do is put up the 30% that he’s going to get, so that I can show him good faith.
Now I’m going to get back to him right away because he said the unclaimed package, specifically with my name on it, is not just waiting, but…this-very-minute-waiting….and if I don’t latch on to the offer right away someone famous -coming from the north he said…but he couldn’t tell me who….would.
If it’s someone famous from the north, I have a sneaking idea that it’s either Sargent Preston from The Yukon or Sky King or it might even be Santa Claus (but everyone knows he has more than enough dough at his house, baked by Mrs. Claus into cookies…sort of like Alice’s Restaurant’s recipe for marijuana so no one will suspect and then, as an extra precaution, they hide the baked dough in his belly).
Now here’s how I deduced that it’s probably Santa…
Sgt. Preston is very busy keeping warm and cozy with King, and Sky King has a warm and cozy relationship with his niece and nephew.
So I’ll bet all of the contents of the unclaimed package, with my name on it, that it’s Santa, because all he and Mrs. Claus do to stay warm and cozy is bake and hide loot, disguised as cookie dough, inside of his clothes, while the elves do all of the work. That’s why I don’t think it would be very fair if Santa also got an unclaimed package with my name on it.
However, being so SS and C and all about these important things, I do have a few questions for the security alias, waiting with baited breath, for me to send the good faith money.
I mean if the package is unclaimed, who put my name is on it? And if my name is on it and this insecurity guy has my email address, why does he need a copy of my driver’s license and my Social Security number?
I know he works for security and he has to be really scrupulously suspicious of people, who he makes these once in a lifetime, once a month, offers to, to but still…..that’s kind of confusing to me.
So, I wrote back to him about my suspicions, because, as you know by now, I’m so SS and C about these things, ever since I had that harrowing experience with that lady in Nigeria, Mrs. Zwrtzpqo, who was stranded, at a bus stop, and was so seemingly sweet to me…I mean she called me Dear One.
But being SS and C (not right away but after I was starting to catch onto her) I told her I’d fax her a check, for the full amount she required to show good faith, and after I let her know that it would be sent in certifiable funds, drawn from The Big Snow Bank of The North Pole (that’s how I know it’s Santa and he certainly doesn’t need the unclaimed package because he’s President of The Snow Bank and he and Mrs. Claus have enough dough for all of the unclaimed packages at the Atlanta airport). And then, I went the extra mile and faxed the check directly to Mrs. Z, at the train station where she went from the bus stop, because maundering hordes were chasing her.
But did she ever get back to me?? Right you are!! N.O.P.E. and I won’t fall for that from her again.
Anyway, this guy seems so different…I dunno….I mean he’s in security and all and everything and all of that. Then again, maybe he’s just insecure. I know that I would be if I were surrounded by all of that unclaimed stuff with no one coming to get it. He might feel people don’t like him, but really it’s not that at all….it’s they may not like what’s in the packages.
So, because, I really want to show the good faith he asked for, I’m going to put a note of good faith in my email that I’ll send back to him, along with a picture of the certifiable funds he wants. Then he can send me a token of good faith; and then I can send him an Atlanta bus token to get to the airport.
Then once we’ve established that we’re both operating from good faith, I’ll offer him 70% and I’ll take 30%……
I can hear you shouting STOP!!! NOOOO!!! DON’T DO IT!! ITS A TRAP!! but I know what I’m doing because of that Nigerian lady….
And besides that Zing of a disappointment, you don’t have to worry about me getting my hopes up again, because I made the terms of the deal very clear to him. And so that he will know of my sincere seriousness about this deal, I told him that I’m going to the post office to give the postmaster, and to my congress member’s office to give the staff, his letter, all for safe keeping…all in the good faith gesture of making my offer seem very legitimate to him…
So here’s the offer I posed:
If he, as the alias security person (ASP as in snake preying upon unsuspecting, lonely, and gullible, older people), he obviously is, will send me the whole amount….to show his good faith….yes, I know you think we’ve already established that, but it doesn’t hurt to get more… I will fax him his 70% percent and….this is the brass ring of a steal he won’t be able to refuse….he can keep the package too.