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Mort Laitner

What Magazine Would You Use On Stormy’s Bottom? (Humor)

Judge Magazine Cover (17 Jul 1926) Wikimedia Commons---public domain

As I read the transcript of Stormy’s testimony in the Trump-Hush-Money trial, I slowed down when I got to the portion where Stormy spanked the Donald’s tush using a Forbes magazine.

I thought, “Forbes what a weird choice. Why not Playboy or Hustler?”

Well, Trump does claim to be a successful businessman.

The next sentence answered my question. “Donald’s face adorned the cover of the mag.”

So I asked, “Did Donald want Stormy to know how important he is while she whacked away on his heinie?”

I don’t know.

But, I for one was not surprised that Donald liked his tush being swatted. Cosmo says, “Powerful men get off with that kind of kinky stuff.”

And I know Donald thinks he’s a powerful man.

And we all know that those MAGA folks think he’s a lovable, powerful, perverted, sick, kinky, narcissistic man.

Then I pictured Donald’s mom using a rolled-up copy of the Saturday Evening Post on his bum. She wanted to get his attention. That edition of the Post featured Marilyn Monroe; I bet Donald hid it under his mattress and took it out for special occasions.

And I also bet as Stormy spanked, Donald screamed, “Look at me, look at me, I’m a naughty boy.” And as each blow met its mark, Trump thought, “I’m a bully. I deserve to be punished.”

As I pictured Stormy getting Donald to howl, I thought, “I for one would never select a journal with my mug on the cover to be used by a beautiful porn star on my skinny butt. I’ve got way too much class to do something that crass or even think about it.”

Then I wondered, “What did Donald do with that tattered magazine?”

I imagined him carefully removing the staples, separating the cover from the body, and inserting it into a clear glass frame with a gold metallic tag reading: A Stormy Day in L.A.

But don’t you dare ask me where he hangs that picture. I haven’t a clue. But I could venture a guess that it’s in his bathroom next to those stolen confidential government docs or in the lobby of one of his golf courses or in his bedroom at Mar-a-Lago.

Then I thought about what Stormy didn’t know was in that Beverly Hills Hotel bungalow. She saw a Louie Vuitton briefcase next to the desk. But she didn’t know that it was filled with magazines. For Donald hoped he’d get a chance to spank Stormy’s voluptuous tushie. And if she allowed him the pleasure, he’d have a briefcase full of magazines ready for the occasion.

Magazines he had personally selected to be used on his backside by women of the night or as Donald likes to call them, “working girls” or Playboy bunnies or wannabe participants on the “Apprentice.”

And when Donald bought those mags, his fingertips felt their texture: coated or matte or glossy or shiny surfaces. He preferred a rough surface but usually had to settle for a smooth one.

And as he thumbed through the pages, he studied their size to guarantee that they could be easily rolled up. But the thing Donald cherished most about the mag selection process was the cover’s significance to his life.

Based on that fact, here are the magazines I imagined housed in his briefcase:

  1. Mad Magazines: The issue where Alfred E. Neuman spanks Hillary’s well-proportioned rump as she yells, “Look at me, look at me, I’m a naughty girl.” The issue where Mad reporter, Alfred, pokes Donald in the eye with a microphone. The issue where Stormy spanks Donald’s bare bottom as Donald matter-of-factly says, “What me worry? It’s only 130 grand, jail time and an election”;
  2. Jet Magazine with Michelle and her hubby on the cover admiring their hotel suite in Moscow;
  3. Playboy Magazine with Karen McDougal on the cover with the title, “Bunnies Who Love Having Trysts With Married Politicians as Their Wives Sit Home Taking Care of  Their Babies”;
  4. Rolling Stone with Taylor Swift on the cover wearing a tight-fitting, yellow tee shirt bearing Donald’s image and saying, “Nope the Dope Ain’t Getting My Vote”;
  5. Doing Time and Doing Life with Donald’s worried face behind shiny, steel bars as he stares at a white bar of soap;
  6. GQ with Kanye, Neo-Nazi Nick Feuntes, and Donald on the cover standing in front of a swastika flag. The words under the photo read: Ein Führer, Ein Volk and Ein Reich;
  7. Seventeen the issue with Ivanka on the cover.

Finally, I pictured a mag not found in Donald’s briefcase, it was the November 6, 2024 issue of We The People showing the two American women taking turns spanking Trump with sheets of rolled-up ballots, and under the picture the words, “We Beat His Ass Again.”

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience.
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