Where is God during this war?

That’s a question best left to theologians, not humorists. But all I’ve got is a humorist, so let’s sally forth  and try to find reasons for our divine abandonment on October 7. And the time before that. And that one other time. And…ugh, never mind.

WARNING! If you are very serious about your beliefs and practices do not read further. If you do, you will become irritated and agitated. You may even feel the need to leave a rude comment. On the other hand, your comments are usually funny, so bring ’em on!

1. Simple things that might have made God angry

1. Non-stop, lousy divrei Torah (exegeses) that have no rhyme, reason, or Torah. Let’s lay off of those and see what happens.
2. Tehillim- (Psalm-) mumbling. This is a national pastime. You can mumble Tehillim non-stop in buses, restaurants, synagogues — anywhere except the bathroom. And this mumbling is known to be effective, because…? Granted, when you lived in a small community under attack by Crusaders, it probably provided some comfort, but now? Drop the Tehillim, enlist, get a gun, and point it at the enemy. Also, as a convalescing 20th century rabbi told his students, “Anyone anybody ever said Tehillim for, died.”
3. Drivers honking when they’re stuck behind student drivers (Lameds). As it says in the Torah, “Be kind to the student driver, for you were once a student driver, too, and not a very good one.” OK, it doesn’t say that, but if I were God, this behavior would give me the red-ass and I’d put that line in the Torah, and then smite you for it.
4. Will your brothers come to war and you sit here?
   הַאַחֵיכֶם יָבֹאוּ לַמִּלְחָמָה וְאַתֶּם תֵּשְׁבוּ פֹה
   Moses said that. You remember Moses, the chief-chief rabbi? Unbelievable. It’s in the Torah!
   (See also: Torah for Dollars, Torah for Dollars Part II, Hareidi-radi-radio.)

2. God is not kind

Our God is known to be jealous, easy to anger, and given to bad treatment of His chosen people. But that’s not an explanation, it’s just a description. And what is She jealous of, other gods whom we are told don’t exist, or are at least powerless in the face of the might of the one true, supreme God?

The problem with this approach is, if God desires worship, and only gets it when He’s mean, She’s going to be mean all of the time. I’m sounding more like a theologian by the second!

Someone close to me only believes in God when things get crappy. Then, God becomes real, and she rants and raves in a state of angry religious ecstasy. She organizes great public sacrificial festivals for her nasty God, featuring piles of After-Midnight cookies, motto: “After midnight, we gonna let the chocolate hang out.”

3. So many gods, so little time

Jews, Muslims, and those Christians who can explain The Holy Trinity always have their noses in the air because their religions are monotheistic. Ask those people why it’s so much harder to believe in two gods than one. Go ahead, ask. The true leap of faith is from no god to one god, not from one to two. And seven to eight is no effort at all.

Here’s the practical problem, based on my vast minutes of research in Wikipedia. The original Israelite tribes believed primarily but not exclusively in a God whose ineffable name I won’t even write here out of respect for the idiots who didn’t read the warning at the top of the blog and could really, seriously lose it if I spell it out, even in English. We’ll refer to Him as Yankee Alpha Hotel Whiskey Echo Hotel, or Hotel Whiskey for short.

Hotel Whiskey was mostly a god of war, though He may have had some influence on the weather, too. But there were others competing for our attention. For example, your ancestors (not mine) slipped into worshipping the rain god, Ba’al, now and then, especially when there wasn’t enough rain. They were also quite taken with Asherah, who was Ba’al’s girlfriend (or so he told his friends).

At some point, our wise guys munged the various gods into one Supreme God. However, if you were Hotel Whiskey, god of war, and you didn’t like the idea of being subordinate to Baal or confused with a supreme being, you’d do whatever you needed to do to get attention for your core competency — war. This includes subjecting your chosen people to wars so that they pray for salvation. Imagine your frustration if all you get are a bunch of tehillim, and they’re not even directed at you — the Supreme God gets all the attention.

Practical suggestions

1. Worship Hotel Whiskey properly by listening to Harbu Darbu on a daily basis. As an alternative, worship whiskey, in moderation.
2. Do what keeps you on an even keel during war and tragedy. Tehillim might be better than Valium, but check with your doctor. Both might be best. Good deeds and kindness could be even better, so…
3. Be nicer than the nicest image you have of god(s). The Talmud says,
    מה הוא חנון ורחום – אף אתה היה חנון ורחום
   Just as he is nerdy and compassionate — you shall also be nerdy and compassionate (Google translate)
   Just as he is merciful and compassionate — you shall also be merciful and compassionate
   (Nathan translate)
4. If your god is a meany, double down on being nice, especially to bloggers who are also having trouble coping and who definitely need some After Midnight cookies (laced with valium).