Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup—Day 21
The knockout rounds of the World Cup are always dramatic. Yesterday’s menu of matches was especially dramatic. In the showdown between African countries and European countries, both African sides managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. In the nightcap, drama arrived in the form of an unlikely and unjustified red card.
The action began as the Democratic Republic of the Congo struck first against England. The Leopards proceeded to hold onto their narrow lead until after the second hydration break. Reading the headlines from Britain, one senses the beginnings of widespread civil disorder, unrelated to football. However, had Congo 1-nil score line stood, the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) has little doubt that it would have triggered the next impending installment of the English Civil War. The current government, though, can thank Harry Kane and his post 75th minute brace for insuring English domestic tranquility. At least for the time being. English society will have another opportunity to face utter collapse when they meet Mexico in the Azteca in the Round of 16.
ZGWC-favored Senegal had a 2-nil lead on the overrated Belgian squad for 85 minutes of the scheduled 90-minute match. It was looking so inevitable that the talented Senegalese would send the Belgians packing. In the 86th minute, though, it all collapsed around them. The Red Devils struck twice in the course of three minutes to tie the match and to send it into extra time. The stunned Sengalese never really recovered, and a stoppage-time penalty–the latest goal ever tallied in World Cup history – ended their World Cup dreams.
The meaningless, last-second loss to Turkey notwithstanding, the U.S.A. has had a largely drama-free World Cup. Until the 64th minute of last night’s match against Bosnia and Herzegovina. The Yanks were proving themselves to clearly be the better team when American superstar-in-the-making Flo Balogun came down hard on Bosnian Tarik Muharemovic’s exposed ankle. It was not intentional and happened very quickly. However, in slow motion, it sort of looked like the explosion of the Hindenberg. Oh, the humanity. Playing a man down, though, the U.S. added a second goal from a brilliant free kick by Malik Tillman. The Bosnians proved to be remarkably non-lethal, and the U.S. won their first knockout round match since the 2002 World Cup.
Today’s slate of action begins with Spain and Austria, battling over the legacy of the Habsburg Dynasty. Both the ZGWC and the ghost of Archduke Ferdinand (who got the shakes watching the Bosnia match) understand that Austria is the real home of the Habsburgs and will be cheering for them accordingly. The Austrians, though, will likely need more than cheers to see off the powerful Spanish squad. Imagine the humiliation for the Spanish if the Austrians prevail.
The second match features Portugal and Croatia, two teams disliked by the ZGWC. However, the ZGWC dislikes the Portuguese more.
The final match has Switzerland going up against one of the last remaining teams from an Arab country, Algeria. The Algerians will be solid and tenacious, but the Swiss should prevail. Aside from clocks, 500 years of peace and brotherhood have brought the Swiss some pretty decent football.
Looking ahead to Friday’s match and the last of the Round of 32, Australia will play Egypt; Argentina will play the upstarts from Cape Verde; and the Colombians play Ghana. By necessity, Australia will have to be favored by the ZGWC in their match. Argentina is Argentina. (And Cape Verde is Cape Verde.) Lastly, the Colombians will be looking to prove that they can move deep in this tournament and should be ranked amongst the top ZGWC favorites.
