Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup—Day 25
Chose one:
1) The Battle of the Iberian Peninsula;
2) Lula da Silva Clock Watch;
3) Flo Balogun Red Card Imbroglio; or
4) Movie/Song Quotes.
Never mind, the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) will decide for you, Dear Reader(s). Let’s begin with quotes.
”It’s a miracle, sir.”
“If it’s a miracle, Colour Sergeant, it’s a short chamber Boxer Henry point 45 caliber miracle.”
”And a bayonet, sir. With a little guts behind.”
Such was the dialogue at the end of the 1964 film “Zulu,” recounting the victory of the greatly outnumbered Brits over the Zulus at the 1879 Battle of Rorke’s Drift.
”From the Hundred Years War to the Crimea,
With a lance and a musket and a Roman spear,
To all of the men who have stood with no fear
In the service of the King….”
–“The Card Cheat” by The Clash
Both of the above quotes resonated with the ZGWC as the English team played Mexico in the Estadio Azteca, in both heat and altitude. While the ZGWC was officially pulling for El Tri, it was impossible not to have some empathy for the English lads, stoically facing long odds and hostile crowds. Of all of the teams playing in the Round of 16, England and Mexico were probably the two squads with the most players playing in their respective national leagues. Unfortunately for the host Mexicans, the quality of the English Premier League is a few notches above that of Liga MX, and that gap was on display in last night’s match. Despite having a historic home field advantage, despite entering the game on a run of good play and clean sheets, and despite playing with a man advantage for most of the second period, the Mexicans displayed a persistent lack of creativity and lethality around the English goal. It was an exciting, electric match, but the English earned their 3-2 victory.
The fears of Brazilian president Lula da Silva showing up at a critical match sporting his keffiyeh have now officially been eliminated by the sanctimonious Norwegians and their large-foreheaded champion, Erling Haaland. Haaland scored a brace late in the match, and desperate Brazilian efforts to level the score only resulted in a penalty kick in the last minute of stoppage time. The 2-1 Norwegian victory will see them through to the quarterfinals. The Lula da Silva Keffiyeh watch clock, which had been set at four minutes to midnight, has been defenestrated, hopefully for all eternity.
Tonight’s first game features a contest of Iberian Peninsula neighbors, Portugal and Spain. Both countries expelled their Jews within a few years of each other during the 1490s. Both pursue largely anti-Israel foreign policies, especially Spain. As noted in the ZGWC review of Group K, Portugal lives in Spain’s shadow in almost every possible way. While there is Spanish rice and Spanish flu and even Sketches of Spain by Miles Davis, it is not like any jazz great felt the need to record a competing “Sketches of Portugal.” Moreover, if any jazz great recorded any track in Portuguese, the musical stylings most likely originated in Brazil. Not Portugal. Spain is more anti-Israel than Portugal and more favored to win the tournament. Therefore, the ZGWC will be supporting Portugal to pull what many would consider to be an upset. Portugal is at least as talented as the Spanish, and they could easily prevail here.
The United States plays Belgium in the second match. The Yanks will be looking for payback from when Belgium sent the U.S. packing from the Round of 16 in the 2014 World Cup. The Belgians will be looking for their pagan soccer deities to right the existential wrongs imposed on them by FIFA with the suspension of the straight red card issued to Flo Balogun in the Bosnian match. While the VAR referee did apparently violate the FIFA protocols by judging the incident in slow motion (strke one), the subsequent decision to suspend the red card–-apparently following a call between the head of the American government and the extremely well-travelled president of FIFA–leaves a further bad taste in the mouth (strike 2). Even UEFA has weighed in to criticize the decision and to question the future integrity of the sport under FIFA’s iron fist. The USMNT could perform a noble gesture for the soccer gods and sit Balogun anyway, but what other country would make such a spurious gesture. The ZGWC is extremely ambivalent about FIFA’s decision, but any other country in the U.S.A.’s position would pocket the concession and play to win with the newly liberated striker. The ZGWC hopes that the Fates are on the Americans’ side even if the soccer gods are not.
