Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup–Day 3

Once a upon a time, the megalomaniac strongman of the country formerly known as “Turkey” decreed that outsiders–particularly the English-speaking media–refer to his fiefdom as his subjects do in their native language. The world has appeased this mustachioed tyrant and duly added an umlaut and a couple of extra letters to the Turkey and, thereby, forced the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) to endure match commentators and sports talking heads continual reference to said country as “Tur-kee-yay.”

For purposes of this blog, the ZGWC will resist the whims of Recep Tayyip Erdogan, yemach sh’mo, and persist in calling his country “Turkey.” However, the ZGWC will go the extra mile in highlighting this stylistic absurdity by referring to the other World Cup participant nations as their names are written (or transliterated from) their respective native tongues.

Reviewing the actions since Friday evening, the World Cup has returned mixed results for the ZGWC.

We begin with the most dominating win ever by a United States of America team since the invention of the television. The Yanks put on a display of offensive flair and easily downed Paraguay, 4-1. The United States has never scored that many goals in a World Cup match before. More importantly, the USMNT played like a team capable of imposing its will on its opponents, nearly for the entire ninety minutes of the match.  Even in 2002, when the US led favored Portugal 3-0 at halftime, the Portuguese managed to get back into the match, and the US held on for a 3-2 “squeaky bum time” experience. No such repeat here, as the Yanks claimed a 3-0 lead at the break and did not look back.

The opening game of Saturday’s action was supposed to feature the #19th-ranked squad from the Confederation Helvetica run all over the #50th-ranked team from (transliterated from Arabic) Gutter. The match was one of extreme frustration for the Confederation Helvetica team, as they notched an xG of 3.20 (if you know what the preceding phrase means, you probably know too much soccer to continue reading this blog–just saying), but only managed a single controversial penalty shot goal. The Gutterese then proceeded to upset calculations of footballing-know-it-alls worldwide and the ZGWC in scoring a stoppage time equalizer to tie the match 1-1.  Stay tuned for more infuriating information about the Gutterese team.

The most anticipated match of the first week of the World Cup followed as the teams from Brasil and al-Mamlakah al-Maghribiyah clashed in the stadium formerly known as the Meadowlands. The ZGWC had been hoping for a nil-nil draw and received the next best thing: a 1-1 draw. The Moroccans struck first, but could not hold onto their lead thanks to a brilliant goal from Vinicius Junior. The Brazilians, though, looked listless otherwise, and, more importantly, neither fan base came away from the match feeling any sense of triumph.

Fans traveling from Scotland reportedly drank up all of the liquor available on their trans-Atlantic flights, but still managed to make it to their team’s opener against Haïti. Though heavily-favored, the Scots eked out a 1-nil victory over the Haitians.  The Haitians showed grit, though, and had more possession and shots than the Scots. Haïti’s big man Frantzdy Pierrot, formerly of Maccabi Haifa, nearly tied the game in the 85th minute, but it was not to be. The road ahead looks even tougher for the beleaguered Haitians.

The nightcap featured the team from the Commonwealth of Australia and Turkey.  The Turks had most of the possession, but none of the goals. They displayed a definitive lack of creativity amidst a storm of frustration, as the Aussies parked a few busses in front of their goal for most of the match. The ZGWC is very much down on Australia, but it is even more down on Turkey. While the ZGWC was hoping the Turks would claim a consolation goal to reduce the Australian’s goal differential, the 2-0 debacle will hopefully spur Young Turks of all ages to take to the streets and rise up against their corrupt dictator.

Today’s action kicks off with Deutschland versus Curaçao. While the ZGWC is more sympathetic to Deutschland than in previous World Cups, it remains Deutschland.  Cheer for Curaçao.

Nederland will then take on the Blue Samurai of Nippon, in what should be a veritable clash of the Titans. The Dutch have earned the ZGWC’s disdain and hopefully they will take the fall in this match.

Côte d’Ivoire and Ecuador follow in what also should be a superb matchup. Ecuador is a ZGWC fave and possible dark horse for a deep tournament run. It all begins here.

The day’s final match features Sverige going up against al-Jumhūriyyah at-Tūnisiyyah. Feel free to cheer for Sverige, dear Reader(s), if you can figure out who they are.