Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup—Day 32

The last time France and Spain really went to war with each other was during the Napoleonic Wars, when What’s-His-Face attempted to put his brother Joseph (or sometimes “Joey With the Epaulettes”) on the Spanish throne.  That contest began as a French blowout, but through the clever use of guerilla warfare, the Spanish grew into the match and eventually prevailed. The French retreated across the Pyrenees with their proverbial baguettes between their legs.

In today’s semifinal match between Spain and France, there was no need for the Spaniards to resort to any similar guerilla tactics.  Spain started out on the front foot and never relented. With their consistent, boring play, the Spaniards basically ran the talented Frenchies right off the pitch.  They earned a penalty just before the first hydration break, then doubled their lead less than fifteen minutes into the second half.   The Froggies could barely manage a shot on target. To add insult to injury, the French defeat coincided with Bastille Day.  Few Frenchmen are walking around right now feeling particularly good about themselves or their country.  Emanuel Macron’s political future was done no favors by Les Bleus today, and that is about the only consolation the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC) can take from today’s proceedings.  Spain, the country with the worst record of anti-Semitism and the more strident anti-Israel foreign policy, prevailed over the French, a.k.a. “The Lesser Evil.”  The ZGWC is left only with hopes for a Spanish failure on a larger stage in Sunday’s final.  Given the way the Spanish have conducted themselves since the surprising opening draw against Cape Verde, though, the prospect of eventual Spanish humiliation appears remote.

For purposes of properly framing tomorrow’s grudge match between Argentina and England, the ZGWC will assert the following propositions:

1.  The correct name for the islands east of Argentina’s southern coast (and home to many sheep) are Islas Malvinas, Senõr.
2. The Galtieri government was not a fascist regime, but the proper expression of the will of the proud Argentinian people–compliments of their very own military junta.
3. Her Majesty’s armed forces used disproportionate force against the valiant Argentinian defenders, and the sinking of the General Belgrano was definitely a war crime.
4. If VAR had existed at the time of the 1986 World Cup, Diego Maradona’s so-called “Hand of HaShem” goal would have been allowed in accordance with FIFA regulations, specifically The Justified Divine Intervention Rule.

In light of these propositions, one can easily side with the Argentinians against their English foes.  Furthermore, as deranged conspiracy theories involving Lionel Messi and the Jews proliferate across the internet, the ZGWC’s categorical imperative to support the Albiceleste only grows stronger.  Kol v’homer.  These conspiracy theories serve to show how distorted the world is and how the Jews, as usual, are in the crosshairs of madmen.

Thus far, the Argentinians have had a relatively easy menu of opponents en route to the semifinals.  Algeria, Austria, Jordan, Cape Verde, Egypt, and Switzerland hardly constitute a “Murderers’ Row” of competition.  Even then, Argentina required late match heroics to get past Cape Verde and Egypt.  And let’s not even talk about favoritism from the referees and the VAR.  Suffice it to say, the match against England will be their toughest test so far, and there is no guarantee that the Argentines avoid an embarrassment.

The English have had a much more challenging road, featuring Croatia, Ghana, Panama, DR Congo, Mexico, and Norway.  Moreover, the victory over Mexico was achieved in the unfriendly confines of the Estadio Azteca.  The English come into this match blooded, and while they have been the beneficiaries of questionable calls, as well, they should have full confidence that they can beat their longtime nemesis.  They are the English, though, and they can almost always be counted on to commit on-pitch seppuku.  On the other hand, history does not always repeat itself, and this could be the English year.  The ZGWC certainly hopes not and would be willing to provide sharpened blades, if requested.