Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup Group–H/I/J Previews
Group H
In past editions of the Zionist’s Guide to the World Cup (ZGWC), Spain was consistently rated poorly. This assessment was based almost entirely on those inconveniences of 500+ years ago commonly known as the Expulsion from Spain and the Inquisition. The weight of this history has always colored the perception of Spain. Moreover, since 1492, nothing in the course of subsequent Spanish history has really presented itself as if to say: “Hey, we really like you Jews, after all. We’re really sorry about those auto-de-fes and s%#t. Really sorry, you know.” Lest one forget, Spain did not establish diplomatic relations with Israel until 1986–nearly forty years after Israel was founded and more than a decade after the death of Francisco Franco, a notable fascist. In those days, Spain’s attitude towards Israel was shaped by the residue of right wing politics. After October 7th, though, Spain has sunk to an entire new level of animus towards the Jews and its only state. Pedro Sanchez, the socialist prime minister, has pursued an anti-Israel agenda that even the Irish Free State would envy. Currently, Spain’s perceptions of Israel are shaped by left wing politics. Between the right wing and the left wing, there is not much for the ZGWC to choose between–other than for whatever country happens to be playing against Spain that day.
It is a testament to the absurdity of conducting a 48 team World Cup when the highly knowledgeable ZGWC has to take the time to do a little basic research about a country in the tournament draw. Such is the case with Cape Verde, a group of islands off of the west coast of Africa. A former Portuguese colony, Cape Verde is mostly Christian and racially mixed. It is one of the most stable democratic governments in Africa. Cape Verde also has some Jewish history, as well, considering that many conversos fleeing Spain and Portugal in the 1500s sought refuge in the archipelago. More recently, Cape Verde has diplomatic relations with Israel and relations are cordial–even if the former consistently votes against Israel in the UN. This pattern of under-the-table accord combined with public hectoring by countries like Cape Verde wears on the patience of the ZGWC. Nevertheless, the Blue Shark’s line-up may very well feature Helio Varela, a forward currently plying his trade with Maccabi Haifa. Also, midfielder Ailson Tavares plays for Beitar Jerusalem, and midfielder Heriberto Tavares features for Maccabi Netanya. One could do significantly worse in Group H.
For several World Cups, the ZGWC has sounded like a broken record with respect to Saudi Arabia, to wit: if the Saudis sign onto the Abraham Accords, then the one could cheer for the Green Falcons with a clear conscience. Genugschen already, as they say. The ZGWC has tired of Saudi dithering and obfuscation on the issue of recognizing Israel’s existence and establishing diplomatic relations. It is clear that if the Saudi do eventually do this, it will not be out of affection, nebuch, or even out of an honest recognition of their mutual interests in the Middle East theater of operations. The Saudis will likely only accede to the Abraham Accords if they receive some tangible goodies in return. Even then, the relations between Riyadh and Jerusalem are not likely to be especially warm–at least in public. There “ain’t no free,” as the song says, and such is the case with the Saudis. The ZGWC counsels that one should root against them, no different from any other Arab country officially at a state of war with Israel since 1948.
Rounding out Group H is Uruguay. Uruguay has traditionally maintained solid relations with Israel. Furthermore, Uruguay boasts a strong Jewish community. Since October 7th, aside from some grandstanding in response to various Israeli actions, diplomatic ties have remained strong. Uruguay even opened a diplomatic office in Jerusalem in December 2024. La Celeste have won the World Cup twice and look to have an excellent chance to make it out of Group H and into the knockout rounds. They will do so with the ZGWC stamp of approval.
Group I
Dateline Beqaa Valley, Lebanon–November 2025: Gallant soldiers of France’s crack 13th Demi-Brigade de Légion Étrangère (Demi Brigade of the Foreign Legion) conducted a daring raid against Hezbollah strongholds and, in doing so, add further battle honors to the glorious annals of French military history…. Sorry, Dear Reader(s). The foregoing was part of a (deranged) fever dream by the ZGWC wherein the French actually contributed something useful to the course of Middle East geopolitics. Aside from criticizing Israel incessantly and wanting to pretend that it has a positive role to play in its former colony of Lebanon, the French have been useless. They are not willing to commit any military forces–not even their retained foreign mercenaries –to further the cause of the disarmament of Hezbollah. Instead, the French are content to leave that unpleasant task to the IDF, thereby leaving the Froggies free to blame Israel for most everything awry in the Levant. Hard pass on Les Bleus.
Senegal currently holds the chair of the UN Committee on the Exercise of the Inalienable Rights of the Palestinian People. Senegal is a majority Muslim nation which strongly supports the Palestinian national cause. Its votes in the United Nations duly reflect this sentiment. On the other hand, Senegal has had consistent bilateral relations with Israel. For what it is worth, the Senegalese Army uses Israeli-made Tavor assault rifles, among other weapons. Also of note, central defender Abdoulaye Seck is a mainstay of Maccabi Haifa. Group I is another Group of Death Lite, and Senegal is the pick of the litter.
Let’s give Iraq a little credit. It is not quite the toxic cesspool that it was under the reign of Saddam Hussein. Over the last two decades, Iraq has made some progress toward becoming a more responsible member of the family of nations. Still, it is classified as “Not Free” by the so-called Freedom House, based on a score of 31 out of a possible 100. More importantly for our purposes, Iraq has never recognized Israel and is not likely to do so anytime in the foreseeable future. Accordingly, the ZGWC will be rooting against Iraq for the foreseeable future.
Since Ireland failed to qualify the World Cup, Norway will have to take its place as the “Least Consequential European Country That Exhibits the Most Anti-Israel Animus.” Official Norway rarely passes an opportunity to pontificate about the Middle East and about Israel’s evident deficiencies. Because the peace process of the 1990s passed through Oslo, Norwegians apparently feel they have some special license to comment and some special role to play in obtaining justice for Israel’s enemies. Worse, Norway qualified for this World Cup over the backs of the Israeli squad by a combined score of 9-2. And the Norwegians treated the Israelis shoddily, as well, barring them from arriving in the country until the last possible moment before their critical October 2025 qualifier. The Norwegians may have one of the best players in the world in Erling Haaland, but they have jack so far as the ZGWC is concerned.
Group J
In past versions of the ZGWC, Argentina was often ruled by Peronist goons, and the Argentinian team garnered negative reviews as a result. Enter Javier Milei, and the ZGWC’s attitude towards the Albiceleste turns on a dime. Mr. Milei is such a philo-Semite, that one can now root for the likes of Leonel Messi, Lautaro Martinez, and Alexis McAllister in good conscience. This year’s edition of Argentina presents the rare combination of a team with real footballing quality representing a country with favorable relations with Israel. Heck, with the possible exception of the USMNT, the ZGWC could cheer for the Argentines to make it all the way to the final and lift the cup. Javier Milei loves Israel, and millions of Argentinian voters love him (or at least they did at the last election–maybe not so much now). If Argentina does have the good fortune to win the World Cup, then Argentines will likely be more favorably disposed to their elected leader.
It is difficult for the ZGWC to conjure up anything positive to say about Algeria. Algeria’s FLN and its insurgent campaign against the French colonial authorities has always served as the model for Fatah and the Palestinian nationalist movement. Since independence, Algeria has been a consistent and vocal advocate against Israel in every way possible. Algeria is not located anywhere near Israel, yet Algeria’s perceived hatred of Israel is visceral. If one had to make a list of the Arab countries that will be the last to sign onto the Abraham Accords, Algeria may not be the very last, but it certainly would be among the last. Root against Algeria. Enough said.
Austria has never received a positive review from the ZGWC. Austria bears its share of the Germanic guilt for the Shoah, but with less than 50% of the remorse. As exemplified by such post-war anti-Israel stalwarts as Kurt Waldheim and Bruno Kreisky, Austria has never rated very high in the ZGWC’s regard. October 7th, though, has changed perceptions. Austria has established itself as one of Israel’s biggest supporters in the EU. In the wake of the Hamas invasion of Israel, Austria suspended all aid to the Palestinians. Austria had two occasions to vote on a UN General Assembly resolution demanding a cease fire in Gaza, and the Austrians voted no both times. Couple this with recent video of the Austrian police roughing up returning pro-Hamas flotilla activists in the Vienna airport, and the ZGWC is sold.
Two notes about Jordan. First, Jordan was the second Arab country to make peace with Israel, an accord coming after decades of quiet comity and pursuit of common goals. Second, the Jordanian flag looks very similar to the Palestinian flag. The only difference is that the former has a seven pointed star in the red triangle. Accordingly, when one sees the Jordanian fans waving flags at their matches, they are most likely waving their own flags, not those of the Palestinians. That being said, the Jordanians, including their snooty, elitist queen, have been vocal supporters of practically every outrage committed by Palestinians on Israel. This criticism is cynical and opportunistic given the fact that the Jordanian population is of 60% Palestinian origin. Little King Abdullah knows very well that his fate and ultimate survival comes from keeping Palestinian political ambitions under a strong lid. Jordan’s presence at the World Cup is particularly galling for Israel fans, as the Israeli squad would likely make mincemeat of the Jordanians were they ever to play against each other. Jordan is in the World Cup because it gets to qualify through Asia, whereas Israel has to run through the gauntlet of real competition in UEFA. Since Jordan is at peace with Israel, they are a notch above Algeria–but that’s about the extent of it.
