Mort Laitner

COVID, Ukraine and Marjorie Taylor Greene—Satire

Dear Mort,

So sorry to hear that you got COVID.

Praying for your speedy recovery.

So to help your recovery,  I am enclosing two refrigerator magnets in this letter. One magnet has my puss on it. I know you’ll love that magnet because I’m wearing a candy apple red MAGA baseball cap.  On the other magnet appears President Trump’s face and the words, “Only I Can End The Russo-Ukrainian War.”

Remember these are not ordinary magnets. They have been blessed and remagnetized so that they remove all the microchips placed in your body when you were vaccinated or boostered against COVID. You do know what group of scientists placed those chips in those vaccines?

Well, all you have to do to energize these magnets is place them in your freezer for 45 minutes, then remove them and  rub them over all parts of your naked body for about 15 minutes.

Wait at least one hour after treatment to drive or use heavy machinery or go swimming.

If you feel ill after treatment consult with your doctor immediately.

I personally guaranty that after only one week of this therapy all microchips will have been removed from your body. Once the chips are removed the “Deep State’ will no longer be able to track you whereabouts or alter your DNA.

After you’re finished with the treatments your vaccinated arm will no longer be magnetic.

After you’re finished with your treatments, remember to give your magnets to your friends and family for their protection.

Tell your Jewish friends that these magnets are better than chicken soup.

And as you Jews like to say, “How could it hurt?”

Finally, to help me produce more magnets, please send us a check for $19.95 made out to my reelection campaign in the enclosed SASE.

BTW, I think your blogs about me are hilarious. I’m laughing all the way to the bank. Your writing style reminds me of when I majored in English Lit at the University of Georgia. I took a course entitled, “Great American Jewish Satirists of the Twentieth Century.” I loved studying Bruce, Allen, Sahl and Roth. You’re following in their footsteps. I love when you throw Yiddish phrases into your stories. You’re a cultural genius.

Moving on, I met with the President to discuss your ideas that he go to the Ukrainian border and put his large toes onto the Ukrainian side. This act of bravery would be long  remembered by the American voters. I told him, “Donald, your bone spurs should not interfere with this dangerous endeavor.”

The President seemed amenable to your proposition. He said, “I will definitely consider that idea and maybe Zelensky will meet me at the border for a photo op.”

We also discussed the President visiting Moscow to meet with his friend Putin.

Donald liked your ideas that he should:

  1. Request Putin’s permission to build Trump Towers in Moscow;
  2. Request all copies of the “Pee Pee tapes” be given to him before he leaves the Kremlin;
  3. Be allowed to produce another Miss World Pageant in Moscow;
  4. Get a photo op with Putin, as if they are discussing Ukraine, to show the American people that he is the “greatest negotiator and mediator in the world”;
  5. Negotiate getting the assistance from the KGB for the 2024 campaign.
  6. Finally, Donald said, “Tell Mort, I really appreciate his interesting thoughts.”

In closing, I hope you have a full recovery, keep sending me your ideas for the President and keep on blogging.


P.S. your son, Jason, sent me a text saying that you are totally obsessed with me. He said, “My dad is so nuts about you that he got an image of your face tattooed on his left butt cheek.”

Well Mort, I’d love for you to send me a photo of your tuchus. I bet it’s real cute.




About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed online. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience. Mort is in his third year as president of the South Florida Writers Association. He was a correspondent for the Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel Jewish Journal.
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