Audrey Biloon

Humor After Death

The other day my friend and I went to visit my late husband’s grave, may he rest in peace. As we were there, we looked at the other gravestones. Gravestones or headstones (unless one is buried the wrong way and then it would be Feetstones) sound so much better than tombstones, which reminds me of the word doom or doomstones, all three of which are depressing as hell. Not that I’ve ever been to hell, mind you, but I’ve heard from holier than thou types, who claim to have more knowledge about sin than I ever will experience, that it’s hot (as hell) there. I don’t mind hot, but I gather there’s no air conditioning. So although I’m sometimes tempted to sin, I’m really a wimp, even when it comes to camping. So, no air conditioning? Fergettaboutit!!

In any event, we began to talk about why grave/head/feet stones have to be so serious and wouldn’t it be fun to have headstones that make visitors laugh. Then we began to think of humorous messages from down under (but not necessarily just Australia) we’d want on our humorstones. Hope you’ll enjoy reading the ones below (pun intended) that gave us much needed laughter, on what otherwise could have been a somber day and hope you’ll want to think of your own when you visit your loved one, so that your good memories of him or her will make the trips uplifting rather than letting you down (there I go again with the puns).

Thanks for bringing the sheet cake (plus gooey frosting) with the saw baked in it. If you can’t work the saw before “they” see you, act natural until you can try again.


Forget the damn flowers!!
Get me out of here!


Do you feel guilty yet?

If not, return when you do.

Your Nemesis


I just wanted to take a peek…I didn’t mean to fall in….


Preparing for my demise, I fell ill…I guess I mean in.


If the good die young just chalk my morals up to lying about my age a lot….


I’m here because, ___________, the _____________insurance company and, ___________, their idiot adjuster, practiced medicine without a license. If the company and the adjuster don’t like their names being etched in stone, they can sue me.


I enjoyed life so much I died laughing…
When you’re ready to go, try it, you’ll like it.

If what I’m suggesting is a sin, I’ll ask your forgiveness, because although I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school (eat your hearts out, sisters) given the extreme heat in hades, I’d rather not try on my bikini.

About the Author
Having been a teacher, social worker, radio show host(ess), newspaper columnist and lawyer, Audrey, now retired, writes, teaches improv, performs stand up comedy, and continues to practice turning stress into gratitude……which is sort of like practicing law: the practice won’t always result in perfection.
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